What is rape culture? And why is it so important for everyone to know about?

This afternoon, I went to the gas station to fill up the tank before going shopping. It was in a less desirable area of town, but in broad daylight, I figured I was safe. Apparently…not.

When I drove up, I saw a man in his 40s, covered in hair, weaving around like he was drunk, with scribbles all over his shirt standing in the parking lot. I figured it wouldn't be a problem, as he was near the building, while I was at the farthest away line of pumps.

As I was trying to put my card into the pump to pay before pumping (this isn't Oregon, dears. I gotta do it myself), I kept my eye on him to make sure he stayed away. However, I accidentally made eye contact with him while trying to make sure he didn't come near me. I instantly regretted it.

 He came stumbling over to me, trying to talk to me. I started signing, in the hope that he'd give up and go away. For the first time since I could sign, it didn't work. He tried speaking with me, as he leaned up against the pump, leering at me, slurring what little I could hear of his words. He wanted to talk with me, he wanted to spend time with me. Yes, he understood I was Deaf. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a knife set in a sheath. I almost started panicking, then and there. He then pulled a sharpie out of this sheath, still weaving around like he had no connection with reality, and started drawing circles all over his shirt.

And I was still signing, trying to make him go away. I couldn't hear anyone since I was too close to the highway, and since he hadn't touched me, I couldn't scream or call 911…I felt helpless. And I could not make him go away. Looking at the pump I saw a small blue button; (GOD BLESS WHOEVER MADE THAT BUTTON) that said "help." I pressed it and the machine blinked "A cashier will be with you soon." I turned my attention back to finishing gassing up the car, anxiously looking towards the building, hoping someone would come.

As I was waiting for the car to finish gassing, I looked at the guy who had pulled into the pump behind me and was gassing his own car. I made eye contact with him, and all he did was he just shake his head, finish gassing, and drive off. I felt utter despair. I was ALONE.

The pump jumped as the handle clicked open; I turned back, putting the nozzle away. The man was still standing there leering at me and trying to talk with me, making no move to go away.. I started trying to plan how to get away. Could I get into my car without him trying to get in? What if he got into the car WITH ME? HOW do I get away?!

At that moment, my call for help was heard; the little blue button. The manager came out, and instantly deduced the problem. He started telling the man to go away, driving him away, and giving me time to get in my car and LEAVE. But before I got into the car, I caught a tiny bit of what he was saying; he pointed to the help button and told me that it gives him an audible alert in the store, which he hears whenever we push it. That button may have saved my life. I pulled out of there so fast that if I'd gone any faster, I'd have hit something.

But the rape culture aspect really came into play when I called my parents. After seeing if I was ok, the first thing after that was, "Why didn't you scream?" THAT is rape culture. Not, "why didn't the guy behind you step in and help you?" Not, "why didn't the guy back off?" Not, "why didn't the street sweeper back at the entrance step in?" No, the first question was, "what did Kiwi do wrong?"

This is how our culture thinks about women. What did the woman do wrong? Not, "why didn't somebody step in and help when she was too scared to think?" And this prevailing mentality shapes our EVERY DAY.

Let me tell you what my day is like because of rape culture. I get up and when it's time to get dressed, I look at my clothes and say, "Is this immodest? Will guys yell at me and whistle at me if I wear this? What am I showing? Are these clothes SAFE?"

 I go out the front door and I'm immediately scanning, even before I turn around to lock the door, 'is someone out there who shouldn't be out there?' I lock the door and head to the car, and as I go through the gate to the cars, I look around, 'is there someone beside the cars? Is the guy in his swim trunks there again? (There is no pool around here!) Or is there a gang member there who might ask me if I'm Russian Mafia…AGAIN?" I get in my car and lock the doors immediately, buckle myself in, and have the car on and am peeling out of the parking lot in under two minutes. As I drive I check my mirrors, "is there anyone following me?"

If I go to the store, I pull in, checking to make sure I'm not near a van with a door opening onto the driver side of my car. If it's towards evening, I make sure I park near the front and as close to a light as I can get. When I get out, I have everything on me, and am checking to make sure no one is near my car. I lock my car as I get out to save time, and am walking away from my car to the store as fast as possible. I make eye contact with no men, and if anyone is loitering, I try to make sure there is someone between me and them.

In the store, I make sure no one is following me. I keep an eye out for anyone who looks scary, and keep track of who seems to be following me. After checkout, I check my receipt before I get out the door, as I won't look at it again until I get home. I get my cart to the car, checking behind me for anyone following me. If there is someone suspicious by my car, I go back in and get someone to walk me out, or I wait. I open the door behind me, with the cart in front of me, so that no one can come up behind me and grab me, and they'd have to reach over the cart to touch me. I load as quickly as possible, turn the cart around, lock the car again, put the cart away and come back. I get into the car, my purse already off, lock the doors, turn the car on, put it in gear, take off the brake, and I'm out of there in under two minutes. Again, I check for anyone following me.

This is life as a woman in rape culture. We HAVE to watch wherever we go. We have to be on guard, because if something happens, it's inevitably blamed on us. "Why did you go there? Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you….?" There is always something more that we "SHOULD" have done.

Do you know there are places I don't go because I'm afraid of being raped? Do you realize that I can't even walk outside at night, because if I'm raped then, it's my fault? My life is governed by the fact that if I step out of line, if I do something outside of what society finds acceptable and someone hurts me, it's my fault. This is rape culture; the rapist gets away, but the victim is asked why they didn't do more. And there is ALWAYS more we could have done. The list is ENDLESS of ways you can blame the victim. And so, we live our lives with every action we do  governed by this fear of being raped, and the fear of us being blamed for someone else attacking us.

 But let me tell you this; they're wrong. It's not my fault if someone rapes me or hurts me when I'm in the "wrong" place. I didn't make that guy be a creep today. Women don't force men to hurt them. It's the men who hurt us that are wrong, but in a rape culture the victim is always to blame. "She shouldn't have been in a bar." No, he shouldn't have drugged her. "She shouldn't have been drunk." No, he shouldn't have taken advantage of her when she was drinking like everyone else was. "But she shouldn't have…!" NO! It is NOT her fault that HE chose to take advantage of a situation in which she was vulnerable! There will ALWAYS be times when we are vulnerable! There is no way to guard against vulnerability! It is everywhere! The responsibility for rape and molestation lies solely on the man who assaults the woman! NOT the other way around. But instead of realizing this, society blames the victim. And most people don't even realize they're doing this.

 Ask your mother if you don't believe me. Ask your wife or sister. If we get hurt, it's our fault unless we follow every rule that everyone has for being safe; and then we still did something wrong. This is rape culture.

Unspoken Social Rules

Growing up, I really struggled to relate to people and follow the social rules. I know I came off as a know-it-all, or a teacher's pet, (and still do) but I could not figure out why people thought that of me.

This week, however, someone I deeply love and respect came and told me how something (actually several things) I did came across, and it shocked me. How she viewed what I did was not at all done with the intentions that she saw! And the problem wasn't with her! She was merely saying in a kinder way what everyone else had unkindly said in the past about me. And I realized something;

The social rules I operate under are not the same rules most people operate under. So what I do with good intentions comes across completely different to everyone else.

So here are some of the social rules that I live by, that look so strange to everyone else. And some of these rules can be applied to the Deaf community, and some might not.

1. If you are speaking to me and I do not turn around and face you, I either did not hear you or I am purposefully and disrespectfully ignoring you.
  I have never had perfect hearing, but have always had to face someone to speak with them in order to clearly understand what they have said. Because of that, if I am not facing you, I am either not hearing you, or am angry with you and am insulting you. To not face you when you speak is to insult you, because it means I am not even trying to understand you.
Vice versa, if you do not look at me when I speak to you, to me it is the height of disrespect. Because it is such an insult for me not to look at you, for you not to look at me when I speak, it is just as insulting to me. And while you don't mean to be disrespectful, because of how I communicate, to me it is one of the most insulting things you can do. And rest assured, if I turn away from you and won't look at your face no matter what you say, I'm purposefully shutting you out, and can offer you no greater insult. The only exception (AND PLEASE REMEMBER THIS) is if I don't hear you, or have told you to wait a minute until I can look at you.

2. If I am looking you in the eyes, I am not challenging you, but respecting you. However, this is also not flirting with you.
    I have come to realize that most hearing people do not like looking people in the eyes for the entire duration of a conversation. To do so appears to be challenging someone or flirting with them. I have had my gaze misinterpreted both ways.
     The truth, however, is very different. I look you in the eyes so that I can both lip read you, and catch any minute facial expressions that I need in order to fully understand what you are saying. This is a requirement for me to hold a conversation with you in any environment that is not utterly silent. Your facial expressions help me catch the words or meanings that I cannot hear. And in return, I need your eyes and face to be facing mine, so that I can use those expressions and the shape of your mouth to understand you.

3. If you ask a question and I have an answer, I must answer it or I am not respecting you. 
     This one gets me into trouble in groups. However, let me explain this social rule for me; I struggle to understand things because I do not hear well. I often miss out on basic information that you simply overhear in other people's conversations. When I ask a question, I ask because I want to know, and if you don't answer the question, you either do not know, or are refusing to tell me. Please understand, much of what I know I have had to search out myself. Hearing people simply overhear information and absorb it without even knowing it. For me, I have to search it out, research it, or ask questions. For me, and especially for the Deaf community, information is important. There's a rule in the Deaf community that if you know something that could help someone else, you ARE REQUIRED to tell, or else you are held responsible for any harm that happens to someone else BECAUSE you withheld information. Even not growing up in the Deaf community, I grew up with the mentality that if a question is asked, it must be answered, and if I do not answer it, I am ignoring the person asking. And that is exceedingly rude.
     In the context of a group, if a speaker asks a question, this social rule that I live by causes me to answer any question that I know the answer to in order to show the speaker that I am engaged, listening, and I care about the subject matter. However, to hearing people, and even to DEAF, honestly, this can come across as being a know-it-all or bragging, instead of a sign of respect.

4. Asking questions in a medium or large group shows that we are engaged, and care about what you have to say.     This generally does not apply to situations where it is known that you do not speak. For example; a formal church service, a formal banquet, anything formal, really. However, in large lectures, I have asked questions. And I don't really understand the hearing stigma against it, but for me, it means that I didn't fully understand what the speaker said, and in order to respect him, I ask him to clarify. The reasoning behind it is that what he says is important, and I am making the effort to understand what he is trying to say. I value his opinion and want to understand it fully. It also shows that I am engaged, and is also to encourage him that he's not talking to a half asleep group.
     With this in mind, the mindset of being engaged and caring about what he is saying, I'm not entirely sure why hearing people hate it when people ask questions in large groups, or even look down on it. I still can't figure it out, but somehow it comes across as selfish or self-focused, instead of being engaged and wanting to have a full understanding of what we're doing.

5. I nod, say "yes," and "ah," or use other relevant interjections a lot in conversations.      As with everything else before, this is based on the concept of being engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to interrupt, or annoy you. I'm telling you that I'm listening. I reply to let you know that I am still actively listening.

All of these things stem from the fact that I have to make an effort to listen to anyone. Yes, listening is a skill, but I'm not just battling not listening. In order to even hear you, I have to make a concentrated effort. Listening, for me, is exhausting work. Therefore, the highest form of respect I can show you is that I am listening, that I am engaged, and that I am actively trying to understand you in the way you wish to be understood. And conversely, my greatest insult  I can offer is to give you no room to speak at all, or to completely ignore you when you speak and make no reply.  And what is passing off as trying to be a know-it-all by replying to everything is actually a form of respect from me, because I am making the highest effort to understand you, and reply to you. Because there is nothing more exhausting for me to do than to communicate.