Growing up, I really struggled to relate to people and follow the social rules. I know I came off as a know-it-all, or a teacher's pet, (and still do) but I could not figure out why people thought that of me.
This week, however, someone I deeply love and respect came and told me how something (actually several things) I did came across, and it shocked me. How she viewed what I did was not at all done with the intentions that she saw! And the problem wasn't with her! She was merely saying in a kinder way what everyone else had unkindly said in the past about me. And I realized something;
The social rules I operate under are not the same rules most people operate under. So what I do with good intentions comes across completely different to everyone else.
So here are some of the social rules that I live by, that look so strange to everyone else. And some of these rules can be applied to the Deaf community, and some might not.
1. If you are speaking to me and I do not turn around and face you, I either did not hear you or I am purposefully and disrespectfully ignoring you.
I have never had perfect hearing, but have always had to face someone to speak with them in order to clearly understand what they have said. Because of that, if I am not facing you, I am either not hearing you, or am angry with you and am insulting you. To not face you when you speak is to insult you, because it means I am not even trying to understand you.
Vice versa, if you do not look at me when I speak to you, to me it is the height of disrespect. Because it is such an insult for me not to look at you, for you not to look at me when I speak, it is just as insulting to me. And while you don't mean to be disrespectful, because of how I communicate, to me it is one of the most insulting things you can do. And rest assured, if I turn away from you and won't look at your face no matter what you say, I'm purposefully shutting you out, and can offer you no greater insult. The only exception (AND PLEASE REMEMBER THIS) is if I don't hear you, or have told you to wait a minute until I can look at you.
2. If I am looking you in the eyes, I am not challenging you, but respecting you. However, this is also not flirting with you.
I have come to realize that most hearing people do not like looking people in the eyes for the entire duration of a conversation. To do so appears to be challenging someone or flirting with them. I have had my gaze misinterpreted both ways.
The truth, however, is very different. I look you in the eyes so that I can both lip read you, and catch any minute facial expressions that I need in order to fully understand what you are saying. This is a requirement for me to hold a conversation with you in any environment that is not utterly silent. Your facial expressions help me catch the words or meanings that I cannot hear. And in return, I need your eyes and face to be facing mine, so that I can use those expressions and the shape of your mouth to understand you.
3. If you ask a question and I have an answer, I must answer it or I am not respecting you.
This one gets me into trouble in groups. However, let me explain this social rule for me; I struggle to understand things because I do not hear well. I often miss out on basic information that you simply overhear in other people's conversations. When I ask a question, I ask because I want to know, and if you don't answer the question, you either do not know, or are refusing to tell me. Please understand, much of what I know I have had to search out myself. Hearing people simply overhear information and absorb it without even knowing it. For me, I have to search it out, research it, or ask questions. For me, and especially for the Deaf community, information is important. There's a rule in the Deaf community that if you know something that could help someone else, you ARE REQUIRED to tell, or else you are held responsible for any harm that happens to someone else BECAUSE you withheld information. Even not growing up in the Deaf community, I grew up with the mentality that if a question is asked, it must be answered, and if I do not answer it, I am ignoring the person asking. And that is exceedingly rude.
In the context of a group, if a speaker asks a question, this social rule that I live by causes me to answer any question that I know the answer to in order to show the speaker that I am engaged, listening, and I care about the subject matter. However, to hearing people, and even to DEAF, honestly, this can come across as being a know-it-all or bragging, instead of a sign of respect.
4. Asking questions in a medium or large group shows that we are engaged, and care about what you have to say. This generally does not apply to situations where it is known that you do not speak. For example; a formal church service, a formal banquet, anything formal, really. However, in large lectures, I have asked questions. And I don't really understand the hearing stigma against it, but for me, it means that I didn't fully understand what the speaker said, and in order to respect him, I ask him to clarify. The reasoning behind it is that what he says is important, and I am making the effort to understand what he is trying to say. I value his opinion and want to understand it fully. It also shows that I am engaged, and is also to encourage him that he's not talking to a half asleep group.
With this in mind, the mindset of being engaged and caring about what he is saying, I'm not entirely sure why hearing people hate it when people ask questions in large groups, or even look down on it. I still can't figure it out, but somehow it comes across as selfish or self-focused, instead of being engaged and wanting to have a full understanding of what we're doing.
5. I nod, say "yes," and "ah," or use other relevant interjections a lot in conversations. As with everything else before, this is based on the concept of being engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to interrupt, or annoy you. I'm telling you that I'm listening. I reply to let you know that I am still actively listening.
All of these things stem from the fact that I have to make an effort to listen to anyone. Yes, listening is a skill, but I'm not just battling not listening. In order to even hear you, I have to make a concentrated effort. Listening, for me, is exhausting work. Therefore, the highest form of respect I can show you is that I am listening, that I am engaged, and that I am actively trying to understand you in the way you wish to be understood. And conversely, my greatest insult I can offer is to give you no room to speak at all, or to completely ignore you when you speak and make no reply. And what is passing off as trying to be a know-it-all by replying to everything is actually a form of respect from me, because I am making the highest effort to understand you, and reply to you. Because there is nothing more exhausting for me to do than to communicate.
This week, however, someone I deeply love and respect came and told me how something (actually several things) I did came across, and it shocked me. How she viewed what I did was not at all done with the intentions that she saw! And the problem wasn't with her! She was merely saying in a kinder way what everyone else had unkindly said in the past about me. And I realized something;
The social rules I operate under are not the same rules most people operate under. So what I do with good intentions comes across completely different to everyone else.
So here are some of the social rules that I live by, that look so strange to everyone else. And some of these rules can be applied to the Deaf community, and some might not.
1. If you are speaking to me and I do not turn around and face you, I either did not hear you or I am purposefully and disrespectfully ignoring you.
I have never had perfect hearing, but have always had to face someone to speak with them in order to clearly understand what they have said. Because of that, if I am not facing you, I am either not hearing you, or am angry with you and am insulting you. To not face you when you speak is to insult you, because it means I am not even trying to understand you.
Vice versa, if you do not look at me when I speak to you, to me it is the height of disrespect. Because it is such an insult for me not to look at you, for you not to look at me when I speak, it is just as insulting to me. And while you don't mean to be disrespectful, because of how I communicate, to me it is one of the most insulting things you can do. And rest assured, if I turn away from you and won't look at your face no matter what you say, I'm purposefully shutting you out, and can offer you no greater insult. The only exception (AND PLEASE REMEMBER THIS) is if I don't hear you, or have told you to wait a minute until I can look at you.
2. If I am looking you in the eyes, I am not challenging you, but respecting you. However, this is also not flirting with you.
I have come to realize that most hearing people do not like looking people in the eyes for the entire duration of a conversation. To do so appears to be challenging someone or flirting with them. I have had my gaze misinterpreted both ways.
The truth, however, is very different. I look you in the eyes so that I can both lip read you, and catch any minute facial expressions that I need in order to fully understand what you are saying. This is a requirement for me to hold a conversation with you in any environment that is not utterly silent. Your facial expressions help me catch the words or meanings that I cannot hear. And in return, I need your eyes and face to be facing mine, so that I can use those expressions and the shape of your mouth to understand you.
3. If you ask a question and I have an answer, I must answer it or I am not respecting you.
This one gets me into trouble in groups. However, let me explain this social rule for me; I struggle to understand things because I do not hear well. I often miss out on basic information that you simply overhear in other people's conversations. When I ask a question, I ask because I want to know, and if you don't answer the question, you either do not know, or are refusing to tell me. Please understand, much of what I know I have had to search out myself. Hearing people simply overhear information and absorb it without even knowing it. For me, I have to search it out, research it, or ask questions. For me, and especially for the Deaf community, information is important. There's a rule in the Deaf community that if you know something that could help someone else, you ARE REQUIRED to tell, or else you are held responsible for any harm that happens to someone else BECAUSE you withheld information. Even not growing up in the Deaf community, I grew up with the mentality that if a question is asked, it must be answered, and if I do not answer it, I am ignoring the person asking. And that is exceedingly rude.
In the context of a group, if a speaker asks a question, this social rule that I live by causes me to answer any question that I know the answer to in order to show the speaker that I am engaged, listening, and I care about the subject matter. However, to hearing people, and even to DEAF, honestly, this can come across as being a know-it-all or bragging, instead of a sign of respect.
4. Asking questions in a medium or large group shows that we are engaged, and care about what you have to say. This generally does not apply to situations where it is known that you do not speak. For example; a formal church service, a formal banquet, anything formal, really. However, in large lectures, I have asked questions. And I don't really understand the hearing stigma against it, but for me, it means that I didn't fully understand what the speaker said, and in order to respect him, I ask him to clarify. The reasoning behind it is that what he says is important, and I am making the effort to understand what he is trying to say. I value his opinion and want to understand it fully. It also shows that I am engaged, and is also to encourage him that he's not talking to a half asleep group.
With this in mind, the mindset of being engaged and caring about what he is saying, I'm not entirely sure why hearing people hate it when people ask questions in large groups, or even look down on it. I still can't figure it out, but somehow it comes across as selfish or self-focused, instead of being engaged and wanting to have a full understanding of what we're doing.
5. I nod, say "yes," and "ah," or use other relevant interjections a lot in conversations. As with everything else before, this is based on the concept of being engaged in a conversation. I'm not trying to interrupt, or annoy you. I'm telling you that I'm listening. I reply to let you know that I am still actively listening.
All of these things stem from the fact that I have to make an effort to listen to anyone. Yes, listening is a skill, but I'm not just battling not listening. In order to even hear you, I have to make a concentrated effort. Listening, for me, is exhausting work. Therefore, the highest form of respect I can show you is that I am listening, that I am engaged, and that I am actively trying to understand you in the way you wish to be understood. And conversely, my greatest insult I can offer is to give you no room to speak at all, or to completely ignore you when you speak and make no reply. And what is passing off as trying to be a know-it-all by replying to everything is actually a form of respect from me, because I am making the highest effort to understand you, and reply to you. Because there is nothing more exhausting for me to do than to communicate.
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